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Surely, this will be misinterpreted. Everything I say is misinterpreted. But this is my blog. I can say what I want. I write things when I don’t want to say them out loud, maybe because they are personal or could be taken the wrong way. Often, people read this, and I did not give them the link. I’m sorry for anyone who is offended, but if I did not write down lizzivirginia.tumblr.com and hand it to you, then it is not my fault if you see something that I did not intend for you to see. Likewise, I wish I could block people from reading this, like Twitter or Facebook, but I can’t. I’m sorry. 

Twitter and Facebook are gone for now. Gone until I’m home. I think I mentioned that? I did not start the social networking problems. Using the internet instead of saying things directly, reading things meant only for other people to read - that was not me, and now it is being blamed on me, and I refuse to play that game. I do not fear confrontation in the least bit. I word things better when writing, but I have no problem with directly speaking. 

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I have a midterm tomorrow, and another friday. I need to study. I can’t. I can’t remember the last time I studied, or wrote a paper before 2am. 

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I have never been so distant from myself. Even at my worst, I was myself; my actions reflected my thoughts and what I wanted and what meant the most to me. I don’t regret that time and place; though it haunts me, it made me. But right now, I am someone else, outwardly, at least. Inside, I want my grades back. I want my motivation back. I want to sleep at night. I want to go home. I don’t want to be drinking, or doing any other self-destructive behaviors. I don’t want to push people away, but I am. I am not hateful, I am hurt. I am surrounded by toxic people, and I want to get far, far away. I don’t want to come back. I think I mentioned that?

And it keeps getting worse. I really wish I was oblivious sometimes. I know when things are wrong, but I don’t always know what. I know something is wrong. I want to know what. I’m all out of patience; I’m all out of tears; I’m all out of effort, and I need you to just clue me in. I’m not up for the adventure of figuring it out. We all want to go home, I know. But I’m also all out of trust, and I do not want to watch anyone else walk out of my life. Even temporarily, even if its just for a few days, please don’t walk out right now. Please just tell me whats on your mind. The tension is coming back. I’m begging you, lets fix it right now. 

And another, briefly put, and vague as well, please, please don’t find yourself fixated on the idea that I am the person I am right now. I am not, and I hope you know that. I know that you are not either. I have met too many people recently who think that this is how I am, and its terrifying. Please don’t let your perception of me become damaged. I’ll be there even when things are going well, and I hope you know that. At some point, I want to go back to watching movies, doing homework at reasonable times, and most of all, to sobriety. Again, this is not me, and I know, as you know as well, that certain people walk right out the door when the party is over, and though I don’t think I really need to ask, please just don’t be one of those people. I don’t know what I would do. 

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Actually, I do. I would go home. I would stay home.

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I’m still staring at my notes and at the clock. Its dark out, and it so cold in here. I hate the cold. I think I mentioned that?

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My hands are cold, too.