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I think this is the first time I have experienced it in Baltimore, at least that I recall. Crazy considering it rains every single damn day. I think storms are oddly grounding. Maybe the weather just matches my emotions right now, and I am frustrated when I am upset on beautiful, sunny days. 

When I was younger, I would sit at the front door in the summer with the screen separating me from the wind and rain. My mom would sit with me, as would my sister. Sometimes one of us would sit on the stairs. We would count in between the thunder and lightening, and my mom said that was how to know the milage we were from the actual lightening that we were seeing. My grandma always said thunder was something that happened when angels were bowling. Emma used to love it, too. I miss my kitty. I want her back.

I want to change. There are so many things I don’t like about myself right now. Usually, I cannot stand myself physically, but I am satisfied with my thoughts and who I am as a person. Right now I am not satisfied with either. 

I need to make it clearer when I am upset, when people say things that make me upset. I am recently realizing how sensitive I am to words, especially when people don’t even know that they are saying anything wrong. I don’t like to tell people because I can’t stand that type of self-pity, etc. But I literally have been getting so hurt lately by little things and I never just say it. I know that I am someone who accidentally says things that upset people, and I don’t even realize it. But I don’t mean to hurt anyone. And I always wish that people would just let me know so I don’t make that mistake because I feel awful when I do. I wish I could do that myself. I want to be able to point things out when they get to me. Not all the time, but specific instances that really get me. I have been trying lately, but its so damn hard for me. 

I need to find motivation and restore my self-discipline. In so many aspects of my life, the effort just isn’t there. I never try to fix problems anymore, and its only been getting worse. I’ve been so self-defeating lately. I stopped using my planner. My planner is usually my bible. 

I have been so sarcastic and defensive and angry. I know that it is temporary, and because of the people who I am surrounded by. None the less, I hate it. And swearing. I hate when I swear. I’m so used to it right now that I can’t change it. I want to learn to nix it from my vocabulary like I have been able to with other derogatory words.

I want to loose weight, I always want to, and I will. But I’m choosing not to go into that.

I plan to use next year as an experiment. I know that I am very introverted. I don’t really mind it, but sometimes I feel like I should try to change it. I feel wrong for wanting to be alone and not wanting to spend all my time around friends like other people do. At the same time, though, I know that its not something I can really change about myself, and i want to learn to embrace it. Being an RA will both push me to stay in touch with people and allow me to have my space. I know that I run the risk of dropping people from my life when I am not forced to interact with them so often (as I will be living across campus). I don’t know if that will make me happy, or if it will make me feel alone.

I want to strengthen my relationships. I am so distant from everyone right now. I don’t keep in touch with people who live within minutes with me, let alone people back home. I haven’t met any of my professors this semester. I never answer phone calls. I know its a problem, and I don’t know how to fix it. It seems simple - talk to people. But I am so unwilling. I don’t have the energy for it.